Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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