i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
