i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
