I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
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