11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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