I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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