Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Help. Why am I so naked?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
