You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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