Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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