Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Randomize
