You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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