I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
