so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
