Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
