i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
