Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
