the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
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