Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
