I can't breathe out the right side of my face
she woke up with a sticky ear
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Randomize
