The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
