Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
