Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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