chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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