booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
