Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
