Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I love having hate sex.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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