Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
