When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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