The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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