so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
