She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
