True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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