Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
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