I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
