Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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