I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
