Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
