Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
