if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
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