In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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