dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize