i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
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