Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Randomize
