in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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