i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
