I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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