Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
