My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
