My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize