who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize