Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Randomize
