got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
