i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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