The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
