I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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