Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize